halfway point

Today is day 14 of 28, the midway point.  I decided to allow myself 1 month of moping.  Why yes, structure is a defense mechanism for me.  For the first week, I set alarms to make myself do anything at all.  Why do you ask?

Everyone keeps saying things like “allow yourself to feel this and grieve” so I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here.  6 years together and a broken engagement = 4 weeks of being obnoxiously woeful – fair enough?

What happens on March 18th (other than our 1-month nonniversary)?  Nothing in particular, really.  I might try to write about another topic, I suppose.  Go back to fiction or something.

This is just the amount of time I gave myself for being generally unbearable without (too much) self-judgment.  I am trying to get most of it out here on my blog to spare friends and family that awkward “I want to help and there is literally nothing I can do” feeling (and spare myself retelling a tale I never wanted to tell in the first place).

To anyone who is still around reading my self-indulgent brooding, there will be an end soon.  And for whatever reason, everyone is right – it does get better …very slowly.  But it does.

wayward sun

the sun keeps shining
snow continues melting
plants still grow
cats purr (when it suits them)
hearts insist on beating
the Earth stubbornly turns
life carries on

even without you

how strange

except for this

I feel okay mostly.  Until I remember the last conversation and fall apart.

I wanted her to wake up every day as excited to see me as I was to see her.
I wanted to share everything with her. I wanted her to do the same.

It is not easy to give your entire self to a person, even one whose entire self you already love, completely, in return.
It is even harder when, in the 11th hour, your beloved looks at that whole self you’re offering and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t want it after all.  And I can’t give you mine.”

I feel okay most of the time, except for that.

Does that go away soon, to whatever place feelings go when they die?
Can I can borrow her map to that place?