April Showers

ninety nine percent

of the time

I’m fine but

every once in a while

it’s like my mind is on

fire and I need

a lifeline to guide

me, out of the sky

and back inside. But

my pride feeds me

lies about the eyes

of passersby and I

try not to sigh

as I shy from the type

of advice they’d supply.

“Don’t cry!”

“Just try!”

“Maybe next time!”

Not lies, just tired rhymes.

They beguile for a while

in line

with the design

of the wires

we all have to climb

just to get by

while others stockpile,

the same bile

and fake smiles

that will cause the dial of time to

stop.

who

You look.

You look like someone.

You look like someone I used.

You look like someone; I used to.

You look like someone I used to know.

You look like someone. I used to know who.

You look like someone… I used to know who cares.

You look. Like someone I used to know, who cares, anyway?

You look like someone I used to know. Who cares? Anyway, you look again.

wizard vs therapist (or, therapy poem 3)

when I was a child

I wished I was a wizard

it took a long time for me to realize

humans cannot be trusted with magic

greedy, short-sighted, violent

I became a therapist instead

(after a brief detour)

working with those same humans

vulnerable, well-meaning, overwhelmed

when they say,

“I need to process trauma”

or

“I wish someone cared about me”

my ears take in those needs

and together we get to work

but

sometimes

they say,

“I just need to pay my heat bill”

or

“There are no shelters taking anyone like me in”

my ears take in those needs, too

I want to respond helpfully

but my mouth cannot print money

for the first time

as an adult

I wish I was a wizard again

babies

you arrive screaming

what a terrifying thing

infinite potential for harm and kindness

more screaming, more and more, at all hours

like you know about this place already

I, on behalf of the shattered

then partially and insufficiently reconstructed

planet, apologize

what suffering will

you cause, alleviate, survive

and who will you blame?

completely dependent

requiring the most meticulous

blend

love and competence

balance

nurturing and nudging

every broken person

was one of you once too

I remember that every day

I chose them

for my laboring heart

and perhaps excessively conscientious mind

(someone has to choose them and you appeal to far more)

but for you

I offer deepest hope

meager resources

a desperate longing to protect

and bandaging when needed

I know

nothing could spare you

from the machinations of this world

still we share it

awe and fear

complexity and wonder

only fools see cute simplicity

you make everyone a fool

we are court jesters

desperate for your smile

however brief

Earthbound

trucks trailers and campers keep right

I steer none of these

but I move anyway

the right side of the bridge to see

a brief, uninterrupted expanse

where

sea and cosmos merge

the sun cannot draw a line here

calling it the horizon

fire and earth create such anchors

water and air are for floating

at night, this bay drinks darkness

by day, reflecting light

a void; a mirror

brackish, of course

who wouldn’t be?

Silhouettes Exist, Though They Are Not the Thing Itself

This morning I was driving to work at first light
Pondering art in my morning commute
Committing myself to attempting to paint some day
Considering shapes and colors
Settling on a light yellow fade to light blue, punctuated with silhouettes

I thought
because of the paleness of the sky, 
perhaps I could create this drawing
with a sponge or a cloth rather than a brush
to keep the color from being too thick or intense

Later this morning
I started reviewing developmental psychology
to help a client with a concern
clicked the next suggested article on humanism
(for obvious reasons)
and read a quote from Nietzche
“God is Dead”
apparently credited towards the initiation of agnosticism and atheism in society
humanism arising from a unique intersection
of the faithful and the secular

During lunch
I decided to read this famous parable in full,
having somehow missed it in school,
(I wonder)
and I was struck dumb
with the line
in the midst of a spiritual man’s crisis about God’s departure
“Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon?”

What an interesting contrast to my morning;

I wonder what the rest of the day will draw.

Dream Analysis

What to make of this series?

Clouds, stars, disappearing, wish fulfillment, storms, dancing.

It’s all just phantasmagoria.

but sometimes I wonder

if my mind is

constantly trying

to remind me in my sleep

not to care too much

not to be too much

not to say too much

when I

awaken

the countless next

Tornadoes.

I dreamed about tornadoes

at least once a week

for years.

I haven’t in a while, though.

The vast majority were grim, panic-imbued, and notably in greyscale.

In one, towards the end of the series, I realized I dreamt and willed my mind to turn the vortex into something else. It became a great, colorful, flowering tree. This remains my only so-called “lucid dream”.

In the last of the dreams to-date, I felt certain my wife and I would survive the storm.

I don’t miss those dreams.

They did not allow for rest.

the unnumbered

I was dancing

I love dancing

and my dance partner

was my romance partner

at the time

I said,

“I love you”

but the response was,

“Oh, I’m not in love with you.

You’re just the best person I’ve ever met

and I don’t want to hurt you.”

When I told my partner about that dream, I received reassurances, and, a month later, an axe to the chest accompanied by the words, “It’s exhausting to be around such a good person all the time.”

the third

I was laying

down

in my bed

in the morning

in half-woke torpor

my mother walked in

and gave me

a perfume

a tiny vial

a gift

when I sprayed it

it granted my wishes

I flew

made people happy

experienced joy

This is the third dream I remember.

When I woke up from this dream, I was laying down in half-woke torpor, in the morning, in my bed. My mother walked in and gave me a gift, a tiny vial, a perfume.

The corporeal bottle’s label says,

“Simple Pleasures”.

I am

selectively superstitious

and whimsical,

just like everyone else.

So when I make important wishes

I still spritz it on my heart

and keep it

simple.

I was almost an adult. My first wish was the most frivolous. I wished for a good prom. It worked out, though the girl I went with didn’t.

I typically forget

it exists.

It is

a very tiny bottle

and I hide

it from myself. Somehow

I, who could

easily misplace

the Earth itself,

have yet

to lose it.

the second

I was standing in the doorway that

led to the kitchens

at my high school

on a good day,

when teachers sent us to lunch on-time,

that’s where we may get in line

on bad days,

they let us out too late and we

wound up in

(and down and around)

the adjoining halls

I stood in the doorway

between

two lines of hungry kids shuffling in

as they passed

they did not look at me

but they grabbed a piece of me

and left

she plucked a finger

he swiped an ear

all of them were people I thought

I knew

they didn’t seem to notice

I was disappearing

maybe it was the lack of blood

I wasn’t upset

I didn’t feel a thing

This is the second dream I remember.

the first

I was standing outside

on a hill

surrounded by people

who were staring

at the sky

pointing up

shouting

“there’s mine!”

and

“there’s yours!”

enthusiastically

I looked up

everywhere, picturesque white clouds

the kind that look like luxury and comfort

but

I learned later in life

would actually only feel cold and slightly wet against skin

the beautiful clouds were speckled

with tiny black stars

like polka dots or ornaments

you knew which star belonged to whom

just by looking

I couldn’t find my star at first

then I saw it

it was set against a monstrous dark cloud in the distance

glowing

and there weren’t any others

with it

I ran away

afraid people would see the cloud

and

who I was

This is the earliest dream I remember.

5

it’s pouring this year

I mean today

I mean this year

as it goes sometimes

last year everything dried up

everyone everywhere was parched

this year, it all flooded back in

and then some

we may grumble

have to change our clothes

and our lives

but I don’t mind

all this weathering

with you

let’s circle the sun again

my love

grief

I never learn.

People say

“you’ve got a piece of my heart”

to each other,

but I can’t love like that.

My love is blazing, not warm, not tepid.

It’s like I grow an entire organ

full of sunshine

every time

and when the possessor goes,

that piece of me

will be raining

forever.

I can’t do it any other way.

“You care more about everything

than most people care

about anything anymore.”

Truthfully, I don’t even want to change this weather.

Sometimes, I just have to carry an umbrella to manage the day.

I don’t believe in sun sign significance, mostly.

But Aquarius?

I’m going to give so much light

and bear so much water

by the time I die

I will be an ocean.

Therapy Poem 2: Pessimism

Pessimism is one of the hardest forms of suffering.

Pessimism is unassuaged by goodness.

Pessimism looks a gift horse in the mouth

and then punches it.

Pessimism insists on calling badness inevitable and constant

and then making it such to perpetuate itself.

Pessimism does not allow space for the possibility of improvement.

Pessimism rebuffs all comfort, refuses any opportunity, and distrusts every joy.

They say they want life to get better.

I want the same for them.

Perhaps life will spontaneously untangle itself for them.

But probably not.

They say they want their feelings to get better.

Pessimism is a simpler creature than that.

Pessimism gets attached to misery

because it thinks predicting unrelenting catastrophe will prevent or ease future distress.

Pessimism believes if we do not hope, we will not be disappointed.

Disappointment comes from a perceived drop in goodness;

pessimism is total blindness to goodness.

Thus a pessimist is, in fact, perpetually disappointed.

They say they want the world to get better.

The world seldom gets better when positive outcomes are preemptively dismissed.

Change is fueled by hope – we must start with hope.

But it’s so hard for them to say they want to try to be better, let alone believe they can.

Be kindest to pessimists.

Even in the face of goodness, they experience no joy, internalize no relief.

After they maximize their fill of negativity, they harden themselves to prevent pain,

sealing within all former pain instead, suffocating themselves in it.

We can only try to poke small holes for air to get in.

Therapy Poem 1

you have

167 hours

every week

to build yourself up

or tear yourself down

(or be torn down by others)

to work

and rest

and play

and socialize

and isolate

and change

to despair

and rejoice

and remember

.

we get

1 hour

most weeks

to process everything

you are

and were

and want

and have

and lost

as well as to plan

how to get

from here

to somewhere else

or

to stay here

and heal

.

I do apologize

for my damnably small hands

works of fire

the sky shattered

and tiny pixels rained down

blinking and hissing

nearby another burst

sent waves of gems across

thickening layers of smoke

evening reports

creatures of the locale

tuned in, keyed up, screeched back

we did know

light could deafen

having seen and heard storms

but who knew black sand

from the earth

could cast stars across space

we sent up

chemical blemishes

to streak our dome

feeble and fleeting

fierce and fiery

the spectacle ebbed and flowed

until a visual crescendo,

accompanied by rapid-fire percussion

and a few whistles, on and off the ground

we see

just how

fire works

the only difference between this and that is preference

for a moment I understood everything

but the most important thing I understood

or at least the one I remember

is that I don’t need to understand everything

because

everything can be anything

and anything is fine

because

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t the only cat

(or even a cat)

some cats prefer boxes

and some cats don’t

have you met cats?

let me in, let me out

they want all options, equally, at the same time

that’s why they seem to know a secret

a secret no simple binary device could kill

because

some of us like being fine

and some don’t

and we can only do what we most want to do

we have to do what we want

but we can want to want something else

and then we can choose to do what we want instead

because

some of us exist

and some of us don’t

and round it goes

we all get to play

we all get to stop playing

everything is in the box

and everything isn’t

and it’s all fine

because I want it to be

you might not

you might still want to understand everything

that’s fine too

you will

and you won’t

outside

you don’t belong here

you’re here to take it in

you’re not here to let it in

observe

the I-ness of 10,000 things

the way each has limited capacity

for the others

becomes accustomed,

disinterested

bored

so quickly

as though time was some precious commodity

as though years were significant

and spending them was a challenge

wonder what boredom feels like

then turn back to wonder

and give up assimilation

outsider