for better or worse

08.22.2015 – I dreaded facing this date for months.

what I used to think was going to happen

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I do not recognize the girl in that January photograph – physically, emotionally, or otherwise. The end of the relationship was the end of her too.  I don’t mean this as hyperbole.  Nothing causes you to peel off facades faster than experiencing some of your worst fears.  Everything is different now.

“Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than I was.” – JKR

I’m sorry that it took too long to realize admit that our life had become forced.

The truth is that with how things were going, neither of us would have put ourselves first.  I could not have put energy into pursuing dreams while trying to hold together a relationship that wanted to shred itself apart every painfully scripted day; and she could not have put energy into figuring out what she really wants while trying to be what I needed.

I believe that our time together wasn’t a waste or a mistake just because it ended.  It would be dishonest to say it doesn’t still sadden me to reflect on good memories, remember the depth of love, and understand that ultimately we still failed to provide for one another what we each needed.  But it’s becoming more bearable pain, like nostalgia.

Above all, I hope she is for better.

I hope the same for myself.

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