annus mirabilis

It was fortunate that my heart broke in the coldest winter. I became an exposed nerve and did not want to face the full force of grief. There was nowhere to go with layers of snow turning the world into a constricted icebox. And I wasn’t brave enough to go nowhere alone yet. So I […]

Priorities

No matter your beauty, making the sole source of your self-esteem your physical form over the course of a lifetime is like buying a brand new car and treating it like your savings plan. It depreciates. Bank on other things. That’s not to say that you should treat your body like it does not matter […]

Bootstraps and Facts

Just to offer an alternative perspective to this endless need to prove that we all accomplished everything on our own despite insurmountable odds: I had help. I had a lot of help at various times from my family, friends, neighbors, teachers, colleagues, managers, and total strangers (especially authors). Once I had help from a random […]

Let me know if you need anything

“Let me know if you need anything.” Most people say it automatically. Some people mean it, with caveats. A few just don’t know what else to say in order to stave off an uncomfortable sense of helplessness. But we aren’t them. When I tell you “anything”, you know. I will remote order you dinner when […]

Kids’ Night at the Burger Joint

They’re giving out free balloons, the boy told us eagerly as he left. RED balloons! How nice. Red like MURDER, he added, as his nonplussed mother tugged him away. We went inside anyway. At the table behind us, another boy squirmed screaming at his mobile device DIE DIE DIE while his parents had cocktails and […]

Here’s what you should do.

First, Children listen. Then they contort. Social compression goes unnoticed. Later, they’ll feel the stiffness. But unknotting is harder than stretching. Imagine if they had heard “could” instead. Now adults must unwind balls of stress—themselves. Wondering, “Is any of me left under these wraps?” Seeking the answer bravely, or lacing back up in fear. After […]

night thoughts

I wish I was as still as you steady, peaceful, effortless maybe I spend too much time running or my cradle was rocked too hard maybe nightmares keep me waking or the dread of tomorrow’s alarm yet I’m grateful for your simple slumber soothing, calm, dependable undeterred and undisturbed by my fidgeting and sighing letting […]

Lies I Once Believed

It’s hard being a cynic. Optimists are just naïve. Realists exist. I need to change. I cannot change. People are good. People are bad. I cannot be happy alone. I’m better off alone. I can do it all. I don’t have to choose. Financial stability buys freedom. The real world has no place for art […]

wake up call

I had a dream not long ago. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. In my dream, a tree had fallen on me. I remember it slowly bearing down as I wriggled. I remember the squeezing sensation of my skull approaching its cracking point. But, most of all, I remember the horrible flight of hope. The […]

the god of now

You want me to describe my god to you? I’ll make an effort. When I was a child, I was given many things. One was a picture of god as a father and a ruler and a punisher. He helped me, in those early days, to feel safe and behave appropriately. But later, when I […]

Pennies

I don’t know why people throw away pennies, But I love finding them with you.   Since I met you, nothing feels insignificant: not pennies, not words, not blinks, not breaths.   During the past few years, my goals have simplified: do my best, be here now, make you smile, enjoy our time.   We […]

Trickery, trickery, doc.

Mary had an Instagram, Instagram, Instagram. Mary had an Instagram that nobody followed. But everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went, Everywhere that Mary went, the camera sure did go. – Jack the symbol, Jack the dick, Jack dump and dismantle chicks. – Ice cap ridges melting down, melting down, melting down, Ice cap […]

Word Value

Value of Words 1. Hate isn’t a strong word. Think about how casually everyone uses it. No words are strong anymore. Phrases might be strong, sometimes. If I say, “I hate you and I hope you die” and you know I’m not being sarcastic, then it might be considered strong phrasing. Give me a word, […]

turning 30 soon

You say, “You must feel so old!” You’re right. I suppose I must. Certainly I cannot feel “young”. I wear compression socks and like to drink hot water. Besides, I did not navigate painstakingly through infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood to be called “young” now. It was hard work, aging. Maturing was even […]

10 years later

I wish I could say I forgot But I thought about it all week I remember you said I couldn’t be gay But I still am I don’t remember much of the day But I, of course, remember exactly what I was wearing I don’t remember much about you either But I remember what you […]

More Storms

I have always dreamed of storms. For years, I’ve seen them approach. They were unbearably colossal; I feared their size more than their wrath. Sudden and dreadful, they closed off the sun. I was always alone, my insides full of defeat. I dream of them still. But they are different now, as am I. I […]

I hear it now

The perfect calm of early morning silence. The symphony nature produces when uninterrupted by mundane talk. The divinity of mundane talk when murmured by a good companion. The jingle behind authentic laughter. Capable, wise discussions between intuition and knowledge – and nobody else. Unending echoes of the triumphant roar after defeating demons. Confidence; she’s loud. […]